Seek First to Understand Your Child... Don't React

Too many parents are wired to react to their child's challenging behavior to simply stop it immediately. Rarely are they able to stop their reaction and examine what might be causing the behavior. Much of this reaction is fueled by the emotion the parent may be feeling at the moment, or it's the parent's internal belief system about the behavior. What if we contained our emotions or our belief systems long enough to find out why our children do what they do? We would become more effective as parents. In his book THE 7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE, Stephen R. Covey relates a story where a friend of his was conducting a meeting at home and his small daughter kept interrupting by coming into the room. The father was getting frustrated because the little girl kept coming into the room as he told his daughter numerous times to "stop coming around the corner." Finally, the little girl said, "Daddy, what's a corner?"

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Seek First to Understand

Stephen R. Covey's 7 Habits

In addition to taking the time to ask the child to tell us what might be going on, we as parents must learn to examine the challenging behavior to see what is at the core of it; what might be causing it that we can fix. Even adults act out in challenging ways and if our significant other could stop for a moment and investigate to see if there is something at the core of our behavior, relationships might be stronger. Case in point, a husband comes home late one night without calling his wife to tell her he would be late. As he arrives home, the man's wife is acting angry and not speaking to him. She is slamming doors, crashing pots on the stove, and wearing a facial expression of anger. She may very likely be acting in this challenging way because she was frightened for his safety and is frustrated that he did not call her to say he would be late. He could respond in one of two ways. The first would be to demand to know what is wrong with her and then get angry back. Or, he could step back and ask himself, "What might she be trying to tell me right now through this behavior?" If he took this later approach and knew how to become more consciously aware in the moment, he might figure out that she was angry at him for being late and not calling, and he might apologize and give her space to be angry without fighting with her. As a result, she may feel that space (and the love) to express to him what she was feeling and to ask him to call her next time. The evening would most likely end differently.

I know many adults who are capable of doing this with other adults. So if we can handle challenging behaving adults this way, why can't we do it with children? Too many adults think that children aren't worth determining the true cause of their behaviors? Ineffective caregivers respond to children with the intent to stop a behavior and little else. They want to "teach and train" the child and apply instant consequences. Effective caregivers however, respond to a child by seeking first to understand what the child may be feeling or what they may be trying to communicate... then take that information to identify the child's needs or what they may be trying to convey to their caregiver. And only THEN take appropriate measures to be understood. The bottom line is that once a human feels understood, they are more likely to want to listen, learn, and understand. Although I know that It is not easy for all, it is my wish that more adults would stop using their background, upbringing, culture, religion, and personal beliefs as an excuse to not take the time to help children feel understood, valued, important, and powerful. If they did, the world may be more peaceful, kind, and cooperative.

2 Comments to Seek First to Understand Your Child... Don't React:

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Larry M. Bumpus on Sunday, February 05, 2012 8:59 AM

Yes, this summarizes why I have found "Love, Limits and Lessons" to be the most successful parenting manual I have ever read and why I find it's ideas so successful at home. Just as I found that Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People provided the ideas I needed improve my success in Business; I have found Bill Corbett's "Love Limits and Lessons provide me the ideas I need to improve my ability to parent my children in a manner that encourages them to find their true purpose in this life.

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Janine on Friday, May 11, 2012 10:32 AM

Oh man, I wish I found you years ago. I seriously could come to you everyday for advice on how to deal with my 13 almost 14 yr old daughter. Her and I are finally starting to communicate better with each other, it has taken two years though and she made me realize that I was causing the breakdown in our relationship (although I didn't say this to her..lol). I realized I was reacting first and not even listening, to anything she has to say. I am currently working on listening first and keeping my criticism to myself and attempting to provide more constructive advice instead.

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